I’ve been absent since shortly after my Husband and I’s anniversary in March; the blog’s faltered… The consistent(ish) post schedule’s out the window… And most of you are prolly wondering whether or not I’m dead.
I’m not dead, I promise.
Ok, so I actually might’ve almost died yesterday when my body decided to be weird while taking my daily dose of “shit that helps me eat food again” and made me damned near choke… So much so that I might’ve legitimately given my Husband a heart attack and sent him straight into “I used to be an EMT” mode… But I’m fine. It’s all good. Things’ve just been a little hectic around here is all.
Ok, that’s a blatant lie.
By hectic what I really mean is that I’ve been suffering from what a new friend of mine personally calls Dropseane Heart Disease: “You’ve dropped your ass in a chair and you don’t have the heart to get up”– which I’ll admit is about the best description ever where it concerns spoonless days.
You know… The ones where chronic fatigue and mental health issues means your mental energy is about an A, but your physical energy is about an F? The ones where the second you even think of doing anything, your mental energy suddenly drops to D level… So you wind up fidgety as fuck but just… Stuck on your couch all day?
Yeah. That kind of hectic.
I’ve had a lot of those types of days lately, and I’ve felt so bad about leaving the blog in the dust because of it. But I just haven’t had the energy to deal with anything short of worldbuilding in preparation for my first DnD campaign as a Dungeon Master- a gift for my Husband.
On top of it all, I’m still sick (surprise, surprise). I was really hopeful back in January when I was diagnosed with Antibiotic Gastritis, but maybe I was a little too hopeful; when told that it was a 6 week treatment, I assumed I’d be back to eating steaks in no time… Turns out, though, that healing over half a year’s damage to your gut isn’t such a simple task; going from “babyfood and toast” to “real food” is a lot harder than you’d think it is.
Now it’s been 5 months. In that time span I’ve had 3 doctor’s visits, done two rounds of horse pills, had more needles stuck in my arms than I’m comfortable with, have been put on B12 and D3 supplements with iron on hold… And I still can’t eat anything as complex as pickles– though thankfully Bacon is finally back on the menu. Still, most vegetables remain far, far out of my grasp (a sad fact for a veggie loving freak like me).
I’m a foodie at heart and lemme tell y’all… I’m going out of my fucking mind; at this rate? By the time I’m finally capable of holding down a solid four piece meal (and capable of eating more than 1 cup of food per 6 hours), I’m tempted to set up a week long Tour de Oklahoma City with I Ate Oklahoma in celebration.
This early heat isn’t helping anything, either. It shouldn’t be a surprise, but the combination of high temperatures, low food intake, and POTS really don’t mix. I’ve found this out the hard way on multiple occasions; when you can’t bend over, stand up, or even walk more than 10 feet to the grocery store entrance without passing out at least twice, there’s something wrong. And yet that’s been my reality. So here I sit on my couch every day, a hermit trapped in my own damned house.
For all my complaining, however, my last checkup did go well- as did my blood test (after they finally poked my little infant veins enough to get a decent draw)… My general nourishment’s improving. I’m not chronically dehydrated anymore, either. My weight’s also finally stabilizing as well; I only lost 10 pounds in two months this time- a far cry from the 20 I dropped in the two months between appointments last time.
I’m still on the medication for a year, but at least it’s only two of them now- and I no longer have to deal with the horse pills of death. I’ve had more energy, too, and am loosely working my way through getting my house back in order; it may not look like much, but I’m making progress… Slowly (like “Snail Pace” and “one load of dishes a week if you’re lucky” level of slow) but surely.
My bank account’s not happy about the $700 USD bill for my blood panel, though… And despite all the improvement, too, it all still takes one hell of an emotional toll; honestly, I don’t think anyone’s described it better than this woman in a video I found while looking up how to build a frog pond with a kiddie pool (I have plans for my garden, damnit, sick or not!).
What I will say is I have struggled for the past 10 years with depression and anxiety. Mostly depression. And I also have a lot of different chronic pain issues that are really really severe and impact my life on a daily basis. I’m sure that a lot of you guys that have similar problems can relate to this, but every once in a while I just reach a breaking point where I’ve been being strong for too long and I just can’t anymore. And sometimes that happens and I just need need to like, unplug from everything and just focus on surviving day to day. I know it sounds really dramatic, but that’s honestly the reality.
Honestly, how cute is she? How cute are her fish? I could watch her videos for hours- and she makes me wish my fish hadn’t died last year… But that’s besides the point. The point is that this is where I’m at right now- and it’s the literal freaking worst. Throw in another depressive cycle and, well… Y’all kinda get where I’m at, I think.
The fact of the matter is I’m at that point where I just need to unplug because I’m barley even surviving at the moment… Not just literally anymore (even with all the improvement over the last couple months), but emotionally; right now I’m feeling a lot like roadkill in every conceivable way, and life freaking sucks.
I wish I could tell you I’d be more regular about posting again, but I can’t. I’ve no idea when I’m going to have the energy to blog again, but at least y’all know I’m alive now… So hang in there. Normalcy will return eventually!
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