Mentally, emotionally, and physically, I’m exhausted. Yet for some reason, my mind just won’t shut up; round it goes with zero cohesion- just tired screaming. And so today is a brain dump sort of day.
In the last few weeks I’ve played in at least three different Dungeons and Dragons games.
One is my Tomb of Annihilation game that I spoke about in What’s Up, Buttercup?. Another is a Homebrew Campaign that was designed by a wonderful woman, specifically around my Husband and I’s desires (and schedule) so that he could finally have his first D&D experience. The third was a last minute Lost Mines of Phandelver campaign that our DM dipped out of without a single word, quite literally half an hour before the game (while in the middle of talking to us about our characters, to boot)… Thankfully all the players managed to reconnect with one another and one of them stepped up to DM for us instead- so joke’s on the asshole, because the game happened anyway and we’re having fun without him.
It’s been fun, and exciting, and things are happening, and it’s great! But I forgot how exhausting it is to be social so often, and now I’m exhausted… So very, very exhausted; mentally, physically, and emotionally I have no energy. I don’t want to cook. I don’t want to clean. It’s hard to be bothered to feed my animals or take the dog out… The last week I’ve essentially become a vegetable who sits on the couch watching youtube videos all day and exploring the deepest, darkest depths of WordPress and Twitter (and believe me when I say it’s terrifying out there sometimes). The reserves are depleted, send chocolate.
Apparently my brain didn’t get the memo, however; I might not be able to mentally handle the task of Grocery Shopping (thank the Gods for my Husband and his ability to take control and dictate whenever it happens. I wouldn’t have made it through the last trip without him). I might not be able to emotionally handle saying more than two works to friends I adore (I love them for their patience and acceptance when I turn into the little engine that just can’t)… But my brain’s still going a thousand miles an hour despite it all.
I’ve been stuck in my own brain space for a few weeks now. Unfortunately there are a lot of thoughts to keep me trapped in there; honestly, you’d think I actually was a Hummingbird if you could see how it flights from thought to thought, never sticking to one thought for too long but always coming back five seconds later!
Writing down my thoughts when I’m like this has always helped me get out of that space. And since I promised to make this blog more personal this time around, I’m going to share them; I probably shouldn’t. Hell, I usually wouldn’t if I’m being honest. But I read something today on Adultish when looking for inspiration- anything to get me to write instead of being stuck in this funk:
“[…] Be a platform for the real shit, real feelings, real life-everyday-how-many-times-can-i-say-fuck moments”
Of course, the Author was talking about why they started their blog and probably wasn’t saying “hey, share whatever is on your mind in all its unfiltered glory- even if you probably shouldn’t”. But it is what it is, I guess… So in no particular order, here’s some thoughts rolling around in my mind this week.
Please note, though, that in regard to some of the thoughts which could be considered “negative”, the linked blog posts do not necessarily represent the “problem” I’m talking about; the inclusion of their links in association with those thoughts is not meant to be interpreted as me throwing shade at the authors. Almost all of them are blogs that I follow and read regularly, whose authors I adore and respect. They just happen to be the posts that triggered that particular train of thought when I read them.
I tried Halo Top Icecream before this post was released. In fact, I think it was the same week, just a few days earlier than the post. Anyways, I picked it up because I was craving Icecream but am, unfortunately, still in the phase of eating things that’ll give me the most nutrients if possible. Protein, of course, is on that list; dairy may be something I can finally eat again, but most meats and protein rich vegetable are (very sadly) still on the can’t consume without vomiting list.
Halo Top advertised itself as being a good source of protein, so I figured why not? Seems like as good a choice as any… But oh boy was I wrong; I’m not sure what it was that made my taste buds go “oh hell no!” about it, but it was gross. I took two bites and immediately cringed, put the top back on it, stashed it in the very back of my freezer, and haven’t touched it since.
Praise the Gods my Girl Scout Cookies came in finally… The girl Scouts are a blessing- and so are their Cookies. But while we’re on the subject of cookies, you know what I miss? I miss Tea Parties. More than that, I miss sitting on my porch in the morning, a full serve next to me, drinking Tea and eating dainty little sandwiches while listening to the birds sing.
Is it Spring yet? Can I re-open the Tea Room finally? It’s dreary and rainy and foggy, but it’s still supposed to be warm again this week… I wonder how long that will last. Maybe I should order myself some Tea and get the makings for some Tea Sandwiches.
I wonder if people who talk about Minimalism realize that the state Minimalism seeks to achieve- notably for a decluttered and calm life- is something that most impoverished people are forced to participate in out of necessity… Or if people who talk about how awesome not having a car is realize that it’s something the impoverished are forced to do daily- and that they’re forced to do so despite the fact that, for the majority of Americans living in rural areas, cars are actually a necessity (not a luxury) that’s required in order to fulfill basic needs.
I think labels are important and useful. That’s all language is, after all: A bunch of labels we assigned to things, mixed with rules that define how we string those labels together in order to easily convey complex ideas. Still, it’s nice to know I’m not the only person who thinks niche blogging is a bunch of confining bullshit we could do away with; labels might be useful tools, but allowing them to dictate and define us is a disaster in the making. Blogging’s no exception to that.
A necessary, positive, and enjoyable lesson we could all use. No commentary necessary.
Things around the house go half done all the time- or they don’t get done at all; I procrastinate on high energy activities until my energy levels are better, while working on activities that I still need to do but which require less movement (and thus, less energy); I have a laundry list of “hacks” over a mile long that make my life easier- and I use the fuck out of them even on my high energy days, because I can’t afford to wear myself out and wind up laying in bed recovering all day the next. I get the word lazy thrown at me all the time because of this. Apparently, though, there’s a group of people on this planet who have not only completely misunderstood what laziness actually is, but outright think “lazy” is relatively a positive identifier.
Here’s the thing: Laziness is making the conscious choice to step over the dog poop on your floor for three days instead of just picking it up and throwing it away; it’s the conscious choice to sit on the couch for a week on end avoiding every conceivable responsibility and obligation by mindlessly browsing youtube; it’s painting lines on a road, but making the conscious choice to paint around the fallen limb because you can’t be assed to take the 5 seconds required to move it out of the way; simply put, laziness means that you’re perfectly capable (physically, mentally, emotionally, financially, etc) of performing a task but are unmotivated or unwilling to expend even the most basic amount of energy to do so- let alone do it right– simply because you just don’t want to do it at all.
This is in direct contrast to things like procrastination, or hacking, which are completely different actions entirely; I, like everyone else on this planet, have days where I’m legitimately lazy. But I am not a lazy person or a lazy homemaker. Procrastination and hacking is not what laziness is; it’s not that I am willfully choosing not to do these tasks because I don’t want to… I’m not doing them because I just can’t. As a disabled woman, my body simply won’t let me.
Actual laziness, though? It’s not an ideal to strive for. It’s not healthy, or beneficial, or positive. It’s not something to be proud of. Attempting to redefine it as something positive and removed from its meaning is rather annoying to me; it’s annoying as a Homemaker that some think there’s any truly lazy ways to do this job without causing serious health risks for my family… But it’s especially annoying to me as someone who gets the word lazy thrown at her daily as a way to shame her for legitimately being unable to complete what are considered normal tasks in a normal and timely manner.
On a similar / related note to the last one: Adulting is hard. Sometimes we need a good kick in the ass in order to get back on track- but sometimes we also need to just fucking relax a bit and reset ourselves.
Everyone needs to relax occasionally, and there’s nothing wrong with ignoring the chores every now and again in order to take a day to yourself. That’s outright necessary for our health, really; if we want to avoid burnout and keep up our momentum? We need to take time away from our responsibilities once in a while in order to focus on ourselves. And really, if everyone else gets a 2 day weekend most weeks, then why can’t Homemakers do the same?
I’d also argue that it’s not laziness to do so. It’s a form of procrastination; you’re still going to get right back into your chores tomorrow, after all, aren’t you?
Posts like these make me miss living in Tulsa. It might not have been the best period in my life- what with the physically, mentally, and verbally abusive, alcoholic / secret coke addict Boyfriend and all… But I still loved, and very much miss, the vibes the city had. And there was just so much to do; it’s a far cry from living in the middle of nowhere with fewer than 7 yearly events between 5 towns- all of which are roughly 30 minutes away from one another and have a combined population of only 37,000 people.
My Husband and I wanted to visit this beautiful Bed and Breakfast for our Honeymoon when we got married three years ago. Unfortunately due to all the Wedding Planning woes, poor finances, and only finding it a week before our Wedding, that never happened. This year we’re more financially stable, so when we realized that our 3 year Wedding Anniversary was coming up quick, we decided that going away for a weekend seemed like a nice idea. Instantly we thought of the Lodge again, only to find out that it’s now up for sale and no longer taking bookings.
I was so excited before, but now I feel like I could cry. And that seems ridiculous even to me… But I guess I need a break more than I thought I did.
Maybe it’s the fact that Valentines just came and went and all my feeds are still covered in Valentines posts, but oh man… I have a lot of thoughts about love right now.
Like how no type of love is really “unconditional” and continuously requires the people in our lives to participate in activities that reinforce it.
Or how motivational stuff telling you to “love yourself first” and “You can’t love someone else if you don’t know how to love yourself” are actually really damaging and stressful… Or the related thought that sometimes you can’t actually love yourself if you’ve never actually experienced love (whether due to abuse, or other reasons)- and sometimes it does take finding someone or something that you love (or who loves you) for you to have that “aha!” moment and realize what it’s all about.
Or the age old screeching in the back of my mind every time I hear about how “Love is a choice you make” when that’s not true at all. Love isn’t a choice, it’s an emotion. If it were a choice, I’d never have loved said mentally, physically, and verbally abusive alcoholic / secret coke addict boyfriend. Trust me; we don’t get to choose our emotions, but we do get to choose how we respond to them or apply them in the world. It’s that commitment and affection and romance and intimacy and all the other possible ways to express love (and the ways in which we express them) that are the real choices we make.
I can’t be the only person trapped in their head by irrelevant thoughts that refuse to go away until you put them down on paper. So what about everyone else? What’s been bouncing around in your minds? Care to share your own irrelevant thoughts for the week?